Included in the End – Obituary Adoption Acceptance
I got a call last week from my former spouse, while we are on good terms we don’t talk very often. His grandmother passed away, she had been in hospice care for a few months so it wasn’t a surprise but it was still sad for his family. She was his last living grandparent, and she was a big part of his childhood. I have been sad to hear of her passing of all his family, besides his little brother she was the only one who always seemed to like me. I saw my former mother in-law posted the obituary and funeral information. I read the short blurb, summing up this 97 year old woman’s life and halfway through I stopped and cried.
Listed with the surviving family, first among the greatgrandchildren was my daughters name. Even though she lives far away with her adoptive family, and had only met her great-grandmother once. Grandma still counted my baby girl and loved her.
‘Don’t Tell Grandma’
I fought so hard to have my former husbands family recognize our daughter. When we told his parents we were nearly six months pregnant and planning an adoption they were less than happy. They were upset we had already decided what we were doing and weren’t willing to change our plans based on their suggestions. Finally the his mom insisted on the stipulation, ‘Don’t Tell Grandma’ ultimately this included all his family beyond his parents and brother. Before she was born this was okay; adoption is a difficult thing on the birthparent side and it tends to be more bitter than sweet. Even with plans for an open adoption and plenty of discussion about the future relationship we would have with our baby’s adoptive family once the paperwork is signed the birthparents and family has no legal rights. It didn’t seem fair to tell Grandma about her first great-grandbaby who she may never get to see or know.
She was born just before the beginning of November. I stayed home alone for Thanksgiving, the evidence of my recent pregnancy still too visible to hide. At Christmas I kept the beautiful pictures her parents sent me to myself. I cherished every photo and text message from her parents. Even though they seemed committed to making room in their lives for us. I knew at any point that could change.
The contact continued though, her Dads were generous with their time and love. They shared pictures of her and videos of her giggles. They firmly stood by the philosophy that more people who loved her could only be a good thing. They included us whenever we asked, even going out of their way to including our families. We visited her and I got to see some of her first tentative steps. They traveled to visit us, and attended an adoption picnic along with my mom and most of my siblings. After a year or so I believed enough in the openness of the adoption that I didn’t want to keep it a secret. I was very open about the adoption, my extended-family, friends, and coworkers all knew about my adoption. They only people kept in the dark was her biological father’s family.
I brought up telling grandma and the rest of the family and was shot down soundly. I could hardly finish a sentence about why it seemed good to tell them. My partners dad told me that I simply didn’t understand, and that since we weren’t even engaged I wasn’t part of the family and I didn’t get a say. Despite their insistence of secrecy they continued to see her, and to ignore my desire to tell people. I spent years fighting with his parents about it.
A few months before my former spouse and I were married that I finally able to tell the family. His family was surprised when we told them but not upset. This huge secret I had wept over keeping was finally out and it was a mere triviality to those we were keeping it from. The wedding came and went, she was briefly introduced to the family members at the wedding she hadn’t met. Her paternal Great-grandmother held her 4 1/2 yr old attention for a few minutes. It was the first and only time they met or even spoke, almost 6 years later at her passing Grandma still remembered my sweet little girl.
